Rafa Nadal Is Not Normal And Here Are The Reasons Why

The answer, fair readers, is no.

I understand the difference between objectivity and subjectivity and I can comfortably and easily say that Nadal is objectively not any of those things above.  Also, subjectively, but that’s not why you’re reading this, is it?  You’re reading this for cold, hard facts.  Well, here they are:  Nadal was born on a Mediterranean island, similar to the bewitched one in the same body of water, Lesbos.  Thereby, Nadal is a wizard or something.  He also has the ability to make balls curve in and out of the court, seemingly by his own will.  He has strange rituals before each and every point.  Off the court, he has a totally nice demeanor and appears quite personable.  One time I even got an autograph of his.  But do you know what happened when I got home?  The autograph was gone – totally vanished from that large novelty tennis ball.  Rafael Nadal is a using voodoo: FACT.

Even though he’s obviously witch spawn, he shouldn’t be winning every game.  Therefore, he is bribing the officials for every single game he plays.  Has Nadal ever once gotten upset during a match, so much so that he threw his racket and cursed?  No, he stays generally calm and collected.  Even when he does get upset, you can see the twinkle in his eyes that lets you know everything is going to be okay – he will win.  And why?  Because he is cheating, bribing and witching his way through matches.  Rafael Nadal is a sneaky conniver: FACT.

Nadal is the physical incarnation of Nike.  I have never once laid my eyes on the man when he was not wearing at least a single article of Nike apparel.  Sometimes I wear Nike, but not always.  The fact that this is all he wears tells me something about both Nike and Nadal:  Nike clothing must involve rare elements from Jupiter’s moon Europa.  Europa is notorious for its potential for extra terrestrial life, what with its under-ice oceans and subsea hydrothermal vents.  Adding to the conspiracy is that fact that Nadal loves Evian water.  Evian?  Europa?  Very similar.  Nadal?  Nike?  Very similar, again.  The obvious conclusion to draw here is that Nadal is a subsea dweller from the depth of Europra's oceans.  Nike has satiated his Euopra mineral needs by employing them in it’s cloth.  Evian, likewise, has drawn water from the depths of Europa’s largest ocean, near its concentration of black smokers (subsea vents emitting large concentrations of sulfur).  Rafael Nadal is an alien: FACT.

The method by which they make Grand Slam trophies is a fiercely guarded one.  Japanese smelters melt Faberge eggs and Kazak lead and steel to a high temperature in a clay oven.  The oven is kept at a constant temperature by the master smelter for 3 days straight.  After it reaches its proper consistency, the foreman sends the orders for the oven to be dismantled and the resulting metal to be collected.  Specialists then craft the trophies in ways that I do not know, they I hear they use Black Sea water, Dead Sea salt and Nepali sand.  But why does this matter?  To you, or any one else besides Nadal, it doesn’t.  But have you ever been to Nadal’s house and seen his trophy collection?  No, you haven’t.  This is because he doesn’t have a trophy collection.  Rather, he re-melts the precious metals and intravenously injects them in his left arm.  Apparently the Grand Slam trophies are his life force and without them, he is powerless.  Rafael Nadal is a mutant: FACT.

So I’m really really sorry to have to break it to the poor souls out there who follow him, but the fact of the matter is that Nadal is not only not a human being, but a lying mutant, alien, witch.  So go ahead and keep saying that he’s the best you’ve ever seen, but remember, you might as well just be cheering for Voldemort. 

Sorry.


And sorry this isn't real.