US Open Tennis Trivia

 

Jimmy Connors,Roger Federer and Pete Sampras have won the tournament more than any other player, at 5 wins each. John McEnroe holds the record for most Open-Era records at 4 Singles and 4 Doubles Crowns. However, Martina Navratilova holds the record for most-wins in all competitions with 4 Singles, 9 Doubles and 3 Mixed Double Crowns. That’s great and all, but who can eat the most dogs in the world? American Joey Chestnut. And who has the smallest waist in the world? American Cathie Jung. USA! USA! USA!

 

Taylor Dent holds the record for the fastest serve in US Open history at 145 MPH. A few friends and I recently hypothesized at how much it would hurt to be hit with a 145 MPH ball and went out to a freeway to test our luck. With radar gun in hand, no cars were going fast enough, so we bought last minute tickets to Germany. AIR TRIP! Most of the Volkswagens and Audis were peddling at a modest pace. The occasional Bugatti would come by, but handicapped itself by going a mere 130. We returned home, defeated and intact, only to realize the potential of American classics like slingshots and Red Ryder BB guns. My friend Johnny squatted in the driveway while our buddies Chad and Andy prepared the slingshot. A small potato was loaded into the rubber shoe and after my count down, the potato was launched. I was covered with small potato skin flecks and Johnny yelped like a small puppy. He said it hurt, and now he has a welt the size of a frisbee. In the end, I’m glad we experimented in this act of American ingenuity and came out with some conclusive results about what it would feel like to be hit by Dent’s power serve: it would hurt. How many times can I say it? USA! USA! USA!

 

The US Open currently uses floor product by the name of Deco Turf. The synthetic hard court flooring is composed of rubber, silica, acrylic and is placed on a bed of either asphalt or concrete. The court is then lightly brushed with a coat of Acetaia Leonardi’s Balsamico la Corte balsamic vinegar and λ /lambda/ olive oil before soaking in shallow pan of 1945 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild Jeroboam and braised with thin rue in a nonstick pan. Not one of those new nonstick pans though, but rather something more classically nonstick like a nice piece of cast iron cookery that has been glazed in oil for a fortnight. This allows for the court to reward a serve-and-volley technique and was used in both the 2004 and 2008 Olympics. Deco Turf, in a similar vein to Houston Astro’s Astroturf, will soon show up on your grandparent’s patios and your nephew’s indoor-soccer stadiums and is undoubtedly going to change the game. Players will hire chemists to break down the floor, test its durability, density and dynamism (every chemists’ 3-D’s) to find out the secrets which lie inside. Don’t doubt a full-scale ATP and WTA investigation into the legitimacy of such experimental manufacturing practices – I’ll go ahead and say now that 100:1 this is the death of tennis as we know. What’s next? Tennis on bouncy castles? Tennis on trampolines? Tennis on the beach? Tennis on carpet? Tennis on a bed of nails? Tennis on a bed of RED HOT nails? Tennis on the moon!?! Get ready to buy your Nike interstellar breathing apparatuses, because this stuff is getting all kinds of wacky.

 

USA! USA! USA!