Bob Bryan's Engagement is a Bad Idea
It was a bit of a slow tennis news day around the office until the word came down that Bob Bryan had asked girlfriend Michelle Alvarez to marry him in Big Sur, and she said yes.
Now it’s always nice when two kids make it official, and hopefully Michelle’s first task as the future Mrs. Bryan will be to tell the boys that the chest bump thing is played out. For goodness sake, you’re 32 years old!
But what really concerns me is poor Mike, who will now be the one-man wolf pack out there, trying to make sense of it all while Bob’s playing house and getting all in the family way.
That’s not good for the No. 1-ranked doubles team, and that’s not good for tennis. Now that they’ve won more titles than any other doubles’ combination in history, there’s only one option left to keep the publicity train going for Bob and Mike.
Double wedding to another pair of twins.
I have no idea if Michelle Alvarez has a twin sister, but if she does, that’s great. Let’s get that girl and Mike out on a double date to the bowling alley, putt-putt golf course or paint-ball enclosure ASAP.
If not, well Michelle, you have to consider the larger picture here. The way to keep America’s eye firmly fixed on the Bryan Brothers is to have them meet, court, engage and marry twin girls, which has the potential for accidental partner swap, the plot line for at least one episode of every American sitcom for the past 30 years.
Clearly, Bob’s going to be a little down if and when he and Michelle have to call it Splitsville, but to alleviate his depression and give Mike a few samples of what lies ahead, our crack staff has compiled a list of potential mates for the Bryans to make their doubles partners for life.
 The Olsen Twins - I know it's a no-brainer, but there aren't too many more famous American twins of a relative close age to the Bry-Bros than Mary-Kate and Ashley. Upside: You don't have to worry about a pre-nup agreement, the two sisters have made money exceeding the gross national product of Ecuador with their stellar direct-to-video kids movies such as "How the West Was Fun" and "You're Invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley's School Dance." Downside: John Stamos is going to try to get his band back together from "Full House" to play your wedding reception.
 The Bush Twins - They haven't been much in the news lately, but I'm guessing Jenna and Barbara are still out there having fun. Granted, Jenna got married in 2008, but two years is a long time for a celebrity to be married, so she's probably ready for a change. Just make sure you ask out the right Barbara when you make that first phone call. Upside: George W. Bush at your wedding reception. Downside: George W. Bush making a toast at your wedding reception.
The Doublemint Gum Twins - They're always in a fantastic mood, they keep in shape riding that bicycle built for two non-stop and they never seem to age. It's a match made in heaven! Upside: Free gum for you and all your friends for the rest of your natural lives. Downside: Frequent trips to the dentist from lockjaw and massive amounts of sugar lead to skyrocketing health care premiums.
 Patty and Selma Bouvier - These confirmed lifelong bachelorettes have just been waiting for the right men to come along. Patty is the younger of the two, and one deterrent to wedded bliss is that she has said at one time or another that she's a lesbian, but she also dated Principal Skinner for a while and has a weird obsession with MacGyver. Whichever Bryan brother lands Selma will have tamed one of them wildest creatures ever put forth in the land of Springfield. Selma's impressive list of conquests includes Sideshow Bob, Troy McClure (you may remember him from such films as "The President's Neck is Missing), Lionel Hutz, Disco Stu, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Hans Moleman, Barney Gumble, Moe Szyslak and Abraham Simpson. Upside: Once you're in-laws with Homer Simpson, you're never "the dumb one." Downside: The wedding night.
The Coors Light commercial Twins -- I have no idea what their names are, and without YouTube I couldn't have even told you what product they endorsed, but for at least one full football season, there were way too many commercials and drunk guys parodying commercials by yelling "AND TWINS!" These girls are as American as apple pie, just like Mike and Bob, it's a natural fit. Upside: It should be really obvious. Downside: Your wedding ceremony is interrupted 500 times by your drunk friends yelling "AND TWINS!"
What's on your mind? Post a comment below.
Posted by Nick on 9/21/2010 4:00:20 PM
Filed under: alvarez, ashley, barbara, bob, bouvier, bryan, bush, commercial, coors, doublemint, george, jenna, light, mary-kate, michelle, mike, olsen, patty, selma, simpsons, twins
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